Happy New Year

I’ve run out of time to finish telling you about 2018.

I was writing part three last night but ended up having a small pre New Years party with some friends. Three Hennessey and Cokes later it remains unfinished in my Google Docs while I lay in bed nauseous making a mental note to myself that there’s a reason I stick to beer and wine.

It was a disappointing feeling at first, leaving it unfinished. I’m a person who starts a billion projects and many I haven’t seen through to the end. I don’t always finish what I start and I hate that about myself.

But that’s the thing. It is finished. After tonight there will never be another 2018. Everyday that has passed I will never see again. I could scramble to give you a recap of year 2018 so you’re not left with a cliffhanger but unfortunately you will have to hang in there for a while. In general you know it was a rough year, but if God spares me this last day I’ll get to see the start of a New Year.

Think about that. Really think about that. A new set of 365 days. Do you know just how much your life can change in a year? For a second let’s reconsider year 2017 (go to previous posts if you haven’t read it yet) my entire life changed physically and mentally. Yes it was terrible but think about that, my life changed in 365 days. Actually it was one day that changed it all. And from that one day an entire year was affected. It’s more amazing than tragic when I consider that the reverse is possible. With the knowledge I now I have, the power I’ve found within myself and confidence I refuse to smother, I can change the 365 days ahead of me and every single day is a 24 hour chance to do just that.

Studies say it takes about 21 days to create a habit and about 90 to form a lifestyle. In that short amount of time you could make a significant impact on your life. In 365 days you can develop about 17 different habits and 4 different lifestyles, really for a second think about that. The opportunities aren’t necessarily endless but they are available. They are possible.

So if you’re the type to make New Year’s resolutions, make them. Expect to fail at them, but try again. Or don’t, maybe try something new. Or make new resolutions in March just because. Try the new gym down the street. Cry when you’re sad, laugh when you’re happy. Watch a movie when you feel lazy and don’t beat yourself about it. Have a productive day. Quit the job you hate, I promise you there is another one waiting even if it’s below your pay grade, sometimes you just need to start fresh. Buy nice things and live in the present. Save money and plan for the future. Shave your head and grow your beard. Take a selfie. Disconnect from social media. Start a Youtube channel. Try religion, or try to understand why you walked away from it or never believed. Be afraid. Conquer your fear. Find yourself. Then lose yourself. What I’m getting at is take advantage of the opportunities that will come your way. Even go as far as creating those opportunities for yourself.

Yes, the unforeseen can and will happen. I am certain you and I will face trials, tragedy and the likes this year but that’s life, pain is inevitable. Honestly, pain at times is a pleasant reminder that we are still alive, sensing, breathing, and feeling the world around us. As I like to say, how would we know what love is if we never experience hate? Pleasure if we never feel pain? So yes, pain will come and with it will come empathy for others who have suffered like you. And before long I promise you so will healing.

In knowing there will be joy or pain, success or failure in whatever you do, there is nothing left to do but the thing itself. I thought my message for new years would be more specific, maybe about forgiveness or persevering through troubling times but the greatest lesson I’ve learned through it all is to live through it all. There is nothing better and nothing more that people can do other than just live and do good while they live. Find satisfaction in whatever you do and accept each day, good or bad. Life will teach you the lessons you need to learn along the way, you just need to be present when the lecture begins.

So live. That is my New Year’s resolution for you. That you live and live abundantly.

It’s raining fireworks here in Berlin. I must be getting old because I find it to be a nuisance now, but I do need to go out and enjoy these final two hours of 2018. Hopefully we meet again next year.

That’s all for now as they say. Until next time please do me this one favor today, and everyday in this new year:

Love Yourself.

Sincerely,

ASF

Year ’17: The Worst Year of My Life Pt.4

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is that you can’t vent to everyone. Sometimes not even your best friends.

Maybe a month had passed, I still hadn’t gone back to the church as the pastor wanted me to. It was a fucked up system and I knew going back would drive me to kill myself even more. I could picture the sin being the center of my church existence as a guilt that people would always see looming over my head. What else occured in my life would be of lesser significance, it only matters if I’ve gotten rid of this thing inside of me. Above all else I was embarrassed, a feeling I rarely ever feel as an extrovert. But I felt it. Humiliated. Ashamed. I felt it.

But I hated being the outsider, feeling shunned out from the community. The pastor’s wife had been my friend and mentor, she knew about my same sex struggles before this had happened, and after this all came out she never spoke another word to me.

It was lonely but more than anything I was angry. There was a part of me that wanted everyone to feel pain, physical pain. I hated them. I had a dream once that I had beat some of them nearly to death and when I woke up I was sad it wasn’t true. It’s like I was going through the stages of grief and this was anger. Rage even. I expressed this to my best friend, I told her how I would imagine myself walking into the church with a gun, that I now understood how an ordinary person could snap. I told her everything I felt including how at the same time I felt all this anger, there was a deep desire to disappear. I just wanted to die, each day was becoming unbearable and all I could think of was killing myself.

About three days later she called to say she didn’t want me to come around her, her husband or his daughter whom I adored. She said until I could get my thoughts of suicide in order it was only necessary for us to talk over the phone. She had to protect them from what I could do to myself. I wondered if it had more to do with my anger, but she assured me that it wasn’t, she just couldn’t put up with how sad I was all the time. Usually I bounced back from hardships and this time I wasn’t getting better and she couldn’t be there for me anymore.

I blamed myself again. It wasn’t enough that my mistakes were keeping people at bay, now it was my grief too. Later I realized how messed up that was. My best friend abandoned me when I needed her most. Although she assured me that once I got myself together things would be fine between us, we never saw each other again.

I ended up sending an email to the pastor, his wife, and my ex’s parents. I don’t remember much of it but I told them they were careless and malicious people. Then there were parts that I do remember and looking back it was a clear picture I was losing it. Losing my mind. Some words were just nonsense. On one hand I’m proud that I wasn’t afraid to call them out on their shit, but saddened that I let them see how much it all affected me. Let them see me broken.

There was a night I became so desperate I called the girl even though I knew I should stay away. I had convinced myself that she must be in despair and we both needed closure, or to talk and find a way to escape it all. My cousin had warned me a few days prior against reaching out to the girl. She said “If someone truly loves you or even cares for you, they will stop at nothing to contact you. If she cares about you anymore she would have tried to reach you by now and she hasn’t”.

But I reached out anyway. And unfortunately my cousin was right. She sent back a text message that ended with “FUCK OFF!”, she said I had done nothing but bash her parents even though they prayed for me, and I was clearly the only one hurt by it all. She regretted everything between us and told me never to reach out to her again ending it all with “FUCK OFF.” Then her father texted me and told me to stay away for good, he said the email was bizarre and I had no right to come to their house before. And my best friend had made the church aware of ‘my plans’ to kill their family and the pastor.

That’s still the most devastating part. The way she twisted my words behind my back. It’s one thing for people to know you’re gay, but for your best friend to convince them you were a homicidal maniac is even worse. In their minds they now justify any wrong they’ve ever done to you, and are probably glad they got you out before you could do any harm. She was the church favorite, she was perfect, so of course everyone believed her. And that’s when I knew I would never win, it would only get worse. So I gave up.

And I left the next day. I didn’t say anything back, didn’t tell them it was a lie. Nothing. I quit my job and made the 8 hour drive home, but not before picking up a dog from the shelter to keep me company. I had read somewhere that they help with depression.

When I got home I explained to my parents why I had come back. And that was my coming out story. That’s how I told them I was gay. And in a way it was a blessing. My parents are Christians but seeing how hurt I was they told me they loved me no matter what. I had known I was gay since I was 7 and at 21, the moment I feared most, telling my parents, turned out to be the most comforting experience thus far.

I had never told my bestfriend that I left or that I knew what she did. She called a few days later and I was sure would try to explain herself because no doubt the family would make sure to let the church know I had contacted their daughter. But she didn’t know. I was actually quite shocked by her words:

“Happy Birthday”.

July 11th. I had completely forgotten.

But I didn’t say thank you. I asked her if she had actually spread that rumor which took her by surprise. She asked me how I knew and that question was all the answer I needed. I cut the friendship off, she sent an email later saying everything that I was feeling and experiencing was my own fault. I sent a kind email back, but later sent one that expressed how I really felt which I’m unsure she ever read. And 2017 continued to drag me along full of misery and depression. I’m not even sure if what I experienced can be called depression. I still look back and think it would have been better to have died than to experience the loneliness and sadness I felt.

Maybe I’ll speak more intimately about that later.

How do I feel about it all? I’ll say something brief but it would take more to dissect and describe my assessment of this part of my life.

But in short, as I write these I’m realizing how unfortunate these near last two years have been, so many memories I haven’t stirred up in a while. I had a 12 hour panic attack after finishing this piece and I’m well aware there will be much time and patience needed before I repair the damage done. No, I haven’t forgiven them. Forgiveness is a discipline in many ways. Because we never forget, no matter how much you would like to forgive and forget as they say, it is impossible. So we must teach ourselves to forgive every time we remember, a skill I haven’t mastered as yet. If there’s anything I want is my name to be cleared. I’m gay they’re right about that, but I’m no murderer. Maybe you can find a way to justify everything else, but I didn’t deserve that.

But in time I’ll show you how I grew from it.

You see, there will be many times in life where we’ll feel like this. That we’ve been buried, like a body left to rot. But really, we’ve been planted, like a seed meant to grow.

But now you’re up to speed. And now I can continue with the ass kicking of 2018 before 2019 comes around.

But that’s all for now as they say. Until next time please do me this one favor today:

Love Yourself.

Sincerely,

ASF

Year ’17: The Worst Year of My Life Pt.3

The last time she called me, when she hung up I knew for sure nothing would ever be the same.

“My parents are asking questions about us.”

At those very words I knew it was over. She was reluctant to tell them everything but I encouraged her that it would be for the best. Based on the questions they were asking, I could tell they weren’t asking because they didn’t know, but because they wanted her to tell them.

She hung up the phone and I didn’t hear from her afterward. A day or so passed and I messaged her to ask some vague question about prom just to see if she would answer. She read the message but said nothing. And something told me to check my email.

I have these moments in life that I would describe as brief dissociation or such a misunderstanding of reality that I come up with nonsense solutions to traumatic problems. Such as when my 3 year old cousin was killed in a car accident, when I heard about it I asked myself “Why don’t they just put her seatbelt on now?” As if it were possible to go back and prevent the unthinkable.

Reading the email in my inbox brought on a moment like this. I remember saying, “Maybe if I hadn’t read it, none of this would be happening right now.”

Her parents sent a long email expressing their anger and disappoint. The fault was put on me, and they accused me of taking advantage as a mentor. Although I never claimed to be that to her and neither did she. They said I was no longer invited to attend her graduation (ruining the surprise) asked me to cut off all contact until we spoke about it with the pastor.

It hurt reading that email, but it hurt more when I saw how many people they had CC’d the email to. The church secretary, my best friend and her husband, the youth pastor, some more people I can’t remember and later I found out they sent it out a few more times to different people in the congregation until as I’m sure, the whole church received the email.

The next day the pastor emailed me. He said he was disappointed that I would bring her into this lifestyle with me. I had brought nothing but chaos to their family and he wouldn’t allow my spirit to infiltrate his youth/church. I was to undergo counseling under his direction, apologize to him and then make a public apology to the church. Step down from any position in the church and of course have no contact to the family, not even as we attended the same church.

And this is me sugar coating his words. It was nothing but hate.

I responded to them, let them know how ungodly the whole situation was. The fact they felt the need to publicly humiliate me while I was oceans away. The fact that none of what they were saying and doing was biblical and above all point out that there was no reason for the blame to be on me alone. Then again, I have no clue what she said. Being gay is the worst thing to be in a church. Who knows what she said to separate herself from me. All I know is that in one day everyone I had know for four years, who had loved me, we had shared each others company, prayed and worshipped God together, suddenly all these people hated me. They were saints and I the sinner to be cleansed underneath their tainted views of Christianity.

Yet even as I defended myself I apologized. At the end of the day they were right about one thing. I had committed a homosexual sin and for that I had to repent. As much as I could point out every wrong they had done it felt as though it all pointed back to me. I was the reason this was all happening. To admit same sex desires is one thing but to act on them is another, so it was my fault. The shame I felt was justified and I deserved to feel that way. I deserved to feel ashamed of myself.

And with that shame I fell apart immediately. Stopped eating and slept as much as possible. Tried to kill myself a few times. Stayed in the darkness, showered when I remembered, stopped going to class. I wasted away physically and mentally. Everytime I closed my eyes I could hear their words playing over in my head like a broken record. Then there was the perpetual sense of being alone. In Christianity there’s this phrase that though we may sometimes feel lonely, with God we are never alone. But this was the first time I couldn’t find truth in that statement. It was the first time I felt truly alone. Deep down I felt that if these people loved God, lived a wholesome Christian and were disgusted by me, didn’t want contact with me and those who did suddenly wanted to control every aspect of my churchlife, then God must feel the same. God didn’t love me anymore.

I kept most of this to myself. It would be months before I told anyone outside of it what was going on. Even the two close friends I had made in Hong Kong didn’t know until a long while after.

My best friend, would call to see how I was doing. I could tell she was caught in the middle as a worship leader. She wanted to remain my friend and supporter but at the same time hold true to her Christian values. I wonder if she’s ever learned that the two aren’t mutually exclusive. They never were.

I could tell she was changing her opinion when one day I called to talk about it and she asked me when I would finally get over it. Everyone else had moved on from it but I hadn’t. But it had only been seven days. Even so those words struck me, after that I kept it to myself more than ever and started to believe I was overreacting. That it wasn’t traumatic and I needed to get over it and the fact that I wasn’t was because I hadn’t fully repented or something like that. Everyone else had moved on because they were prayerful, kind people, and I was stuck because I couldn’t see past their insignificant actions. It was my actions that were far worse than theirs, and maybe that’s why I was suffering so much.

But it was traumatic, so much so that I left Hong Kong early and moved back to the city against my judgement to stay away. I just wanted the haunting thoughts to go away. I wanted people to see me the way they did before. I wanted to be forgiven.

So I went back to apologize to her family in person. But upon opening the door they let me know I was no longer welcome and they wanted me to leave. I’ll never forget the look on her mother’s face, like I was the most disgusting thing she’d ever laid her eyes on. It was my ex who had opened the door, she barely looked at me, just kept her eyes low as her mother spoke. But I showed little emotion, I just left. When I got home I put my roommates gun to my head and prayed I’d find the courage to pull the trigger.

I didn’t. And it only got worse from there.

But that’s all for now as they say. Until next time please do me this one favor today:

Love Yourself.

Sincerely,

ASF

Year ’17: The Worst Year of My Life Pt.2

I started to feel the pressure and it weighed heavily on me.

The more people asked questions the more guilt I felt. Some nights I spent hours praying for answers, begging God to make me straight. I had read articles of Christians who had overcome it and there was nothing more I wanted.

But at the same time she was all I wanted.

After a few months we finally shared our first kiss. I left class and went straight to her place to chill for a bit. I felt the moment coming on and I was nervous as hell. I kept talking and I could see how annoyed she was that I wasn’t being as forward as I had talked up the day before. But then it happened. It was incredible at first, but then guilt washed over like a flood. So much so that I told her we should have no contact for a while because I felt like I was the one to blame. She had never had feelings for a woman before. I was the one dragging her down a dark path I had paved.

The no contact didn’t last long, soon enough we were back at it again. And again people took notice.

One day the head youth pastor approached us and asked if there was anything between us. Surprisingly he was very kind, he just extended his prayers and help if we needed someone to talk about it with. Even though it felt good to get it off my chest, another burden came in its place. If he could sense it it wasn’t long before the whole church would.

And that’s when I decided to leave. I’d always wanted to spend a semester abroad and there was no better time to leave than when I needed to escape myself.

My plan was almost complete but in a turn of events I ended up staying with her family for about a week just before my flight date. During those few days we were sexually intimate. The first time with a woman for either of us. After that there was no way to seperate us, even after I had left.

On New Year’s day, the first day of 2017, the night before my flight I asked her to be my girlfriend and for the first time were official. I think it was a way for either of us to secure that the other would still be there when I came back. Even so we were back and forth, in and out of being in a relationship while I was away. Faith was the number one reason we pulled away.

And I needed her badly during that time. I had chosen to study in Hong Kong and my dream student exchange experience turned out to be a lonely four months in a country where people coughed when I walked past, afraid I had contaminated the air with AIDS. Some never called me by name, just ‘Africa’. There was even an incident when a few students pulled on my hair during a student photo and posed making faces behind my head. I ended writing a letter to the student body about the racism on the campus and it ended up going viral at every University in Hong Kong. The University I was attending extended an apology but at that point I was over the whole exchange.

And everyday I thought about her. We Facetimed daily but I missed our usual routine from before. I hated that I wasn’t there to celebrate her 19th birthday, it all started to feel like one big mistake. I wondered if I should’ve stayed. I had planned to move to Germany after Hong Kong but I felt that becoming a distant reality. In spite of my travel plans, I had arranged a flight home first to surprise for her high school graduation. I’d sent her a letter for her birthday and when I asked what she wanted for graduation she said the only thing she wanted was for me to be there.

So I arranged to be there just in time.

Strangely enough I had this feeling I wouldn’t make it. I read once that the soul knows all. It’s always attuned to the world around it and can perceive what’s next. It just takes our bodies a while to catch up.

I wish my body had caught up sooner. Cause I never made it to that graduation. And what came next I had never dreamed of even in my worst nightmare.

But that’s all for now as they. Until next time please do me this one favor today:

Love Yourself.

Sincerely,

ASF

Year ’17: The Worst Year of My Life Pt.1

Year 2017 begins of course, with year 2016.

July 2016.

That’s when I met her for the first time, sort of. We were members of the same church but if any of you attend church regularly, you know how you can get accustomed to greeting certain people every Sunday without ever really getting to know them. I was actually a youth leader at one point and she was one of our members and we still didn’t know close to anything about each other. She was that familiar yet unknown face for me until that July.

That July my best friend got married. We were sharing her apartment together at the time but she and her husband would soon move in together which meant I had to find a new place. I didn’t need anything permanent, just for two weeks until my college scholarship home re-opened for the Fall semester. There was a woman I had grown close to in church and I asked if I could stay with her family for the short time and they kindly opened their home to me.

This girl, her, was their adopted daughter. I still remember the first day we spent more than two minutes together. She was a typical 18 year old high school senior. Talked way too much about things I had no care for, but she was sweet. In the two weeks we grew close, incredibly close. Very early on I knew I had intense feelings for her but I kept it to myself. Being gay was something only a few people knew about. And even the ones who knew I always phrased it as ‘an internal struggle’ never fully admitting or accepting homosexuality. Christians, true Christians are kind and forgiving people, but many times I’ve seen how quickly that can shift to hatred with the slightest mention of homosexuality. Therefore it was always necessary to paint the picture that I was in constant spiritual warfare with this aspect of myself.

Someday I’ll write about what that internal struggle was really like.

Despite the struggle there was something about her. I remember calling my best friend one day, who was at the time the worship leader and a youth leader, that I felt like she would be the girl to make me lose this battle.

So I kept it to myself. Until one day she calls to say she has something to tell me. I thought she had perceived my feelings and wanted to confirm her suspicions or something like that. But as she spoke I realized it was the other way around. I eventually got it out of her, she had feelings for me and hadn’t found a way to say it before. For the first time I’ll admit, that was one of the best feelings. Hearing those words. But I played it off, told her we should pray and seek friendly counsel from my best friend since she was ‘a good Christian’. We did, but it didn’t work.

Very soon we were everything but an official couple, and this we kept to ourselves. But almost everyday we spent together. FaceTime in the morning before class, text during class/work, call to see how each others day went, drive to get something to eat, some nights I’d sleep over her place to cuddle until I had to race back home to make my 8am class. If I didn’t stay over, by the time we were home we’d FaceTime until we fell asleep just to call back in the morning. I had never been in love before and this to my finite knowledge was what it felt like. Some nights we’d grab pizza late at night and sit at the nearest park talking under the stars. It was the most effortless relationship I’d ever experienced.

Soon enough we confessed our love for each other and I was convinced I’d never find anyone like her. The joy I felt with her I’d never felt before. It was overwhelming. Being a Christian, loving God and following His way was supposed to give me that experience. It never had.

Although everything was under wraps I could sense we were losing the ability to keep it to ourselves. I think we got so lost in each other we weren’t conscience of who was around. Plenty of times I had friends pull me aside to ask me what was up. I knew they weren’t the type to judge, but it was easier to play it off as nothing than to confess to myself that I had lost the battle. But the one person you can never run away from is yourself.

Even so. I tried. I ran, just not fast enough.

But that’s all for now as they say. Until next time, please do me this one favor today:

Love Yourself.

Sincerely,

ASF

How 2018 Kicked My Ass Pt.2.5

I can’t continue the story.

At least not until I write about the year 2017.

As I started writing part 3 I caught myself leaving bits out purposely, partly because they don’t make as much sense without context, and partly because I haven’t built up the courage to say it all. Once I talk about it, I’ll have to talk about the most personal aspects in my life. My thoughts. Things I’m still learning to understand, pieces I’m figuring out how to communicate. Things I usually keep to myself.

So I’ll write it as it happened and provide clarity where I feel it’s necessary

We’ll take a brief pause and get back to the royal ass kicking of 2018 at a later date (maybe by just before New Years to leave it all behind)

For now, we’ll begin what I’ve entitled “Year 17’:The Worst Year of My Life”

But that’s all for now as they say. Until next time please do me this one favor today:

Love Yourself.

Sincerely,

ASF

How 2018 Kicked My Ass Part 2

I had always planned on moving to Germany since an exchange trip I’d taken to Dresden in Uni. Dresden itself is very traditional, a breeding ground for Neo Nazis, and almost all German, no foreigners. But on that trip we got to spend 3 days in Berlin and ever since then I knew I would come back. I attempted to move there in 2017, but as you know that was a horrible year and I opted to move back to the states (I was living in Hong Kong at the time) instead. Again that’s a story for another time.

One positive note I should make is that my father whom I had only met for the first time a few months prior paid for my flight. 2018 was rough but I don’t want to miss speaking of the people who seem to have popped out of nowhere to extend their help in miraculous and incredibly generous ways.

With my flight paid I moved to Berlin. At that point I had just developed a social media project called We Ain’t Shit (@we_aintshit on Instagram) I wanted to move to a bigger and foreign city that would allow for the project to grow. My plan was to work as an Au Pair for 6 months to a year since it was the easiest way to secure an immediate visa to stay and work in Germany. During this time I would spend my off hours working on the project and developing the business in order to secure a freelance visa.

But as I’ve come to learn, good things never come easy.

I could tell from the moment I met the family that I wasn’t going to stay very long. One of the first nights I was told to instruct the oldest girl (7 years old) to wash her feet. When I did she asked me why and I told her because they were dirty and needed to be clean. She replied “Your skin is dirty”. Now I’ve worked with children a long time. Long enough to know that when a child says something like that it stems from the parents. So I knew I had my work cut out for me.

As the days went on the family slowly started adding responsibilities that weren’t in the contract and I found myself working twelve hour days, cooking, cleaning, and washing clothes, weekdays and weekends. But I’m the type of person that will endure tough situations if I believe it serves a greater purpose. I needed that job, I needed the time to secure another visa. So I put up with it, back home everyone believed things were going well because that’s what I told them. But then came a barrage of incidents that I couldn’t let roll off my back and is why I left a few months ago.

A conversation started with a few friends of that family about marriage and kids. The husband had called to wish his daughter from a previous marriage happy birthday but she hadn’t answered for the fifth year in a row. Maybe out of shame or embarrassment he turned to me and said aloud “That’s still better than you, you probably don’t even know your father.” I wish I could tell you I didn’t shrug it off, that I put him in his place, but I didn’t. And I wish I take that moment back. Not saying anything doesn’t display politeness, it promotes ignorance.

A few weeks later, the wife made a comment about black people being ghetto which I didn’t let go. Her defense was “That’s just what we say in Germany.” And while Germany does have a deep rooted history with racism I can tell you that her statement isn’t true. That’s not what they say here.

At a dinner party, the father made a mess and in front of the guests said it didn’t matter since I would be cleaning up after everyone. And it was true, I had to clean up after everyone, everyday after every meal, any outing, any occasion. If there was anything to be done it was my responsibility. Soon enough to the kids I was a maid, which showed anytime they were asked to do anything they’d look in my direction and say “Why doesn’t she do it.

The list goes on: despite being bilingual they only spoke English when giving me instructions for the day. I was excluded from family conversations, never was there an interest in me except to know if I had completed the chores for the day, and if I asked for time off except for when I faked an emergency, they complained and added more work when I’d come back.

I put up with all of this while staying in a closet (yes a closet) in the basement.

So I left. I packed without saying a word and left and I’ve never seen them since. I was afraid to leave convinced I hadn’t had enough time to secure a visa, that I’d either end up homeless in Berlin or penniless back in America.

Neither of the two happened, I managed to get the visa, an apartment, and a great job while continuing my projects. But in true 2018 style, nothing came easily.

But that’s all for now as they say. Until next time, please do me this one favor today:

Love Yourself.

Sincerely,

ASF

How 2018 Kicked My Ass Pt.1

2017 was worse. Far worse. That was the year I had my heart broken, was publicly humiliated by the church I once loved, my best friend spread a horrible rumor about me, I became too suicidal to work and ended up moving hours away back home to live with my parents. But thats a post for another time.

2018 has kicked my entire ass left cheek to right cheek non stop for damn near 365 days.

Anybody else?

I’ll give it to you in pieces

In January a good friend of mine was killed in a drunk driving incident and while I thought there is always light after dark, it only got darker after that.

My friend and I were part of a pretty close knit Christian young adult group. At the time I really valued them because they were the friends I’d made after having to come back home from the hell I left behind in my former city. It was great but if I’m being honest, the friendships were shallow, barely Christian, and mostly filled with gossip. But when you’re reeling off of heartbreak and sorrow, even the lightest glimmer shines like gold.

One night we all smoked a joint together. It had been my third time smoking in my entire life and it was certainly my last. Pretty quickly I started hearing sounds that I knew weren’t there, feeling intense and painful sensations and before long I was screaming help me. On the car ride home I began saying that this friend who had passed was saying ‘hi’. Unfortunately it was her former boyfriend who drove me home. They dropped me home without my parents knowing and my mother woke up to me screaming that I was having a heart attack. She called the police but had to hold me down because I started reaching for their guns. When they managed to strap me down and transport me to the hospital, I remember the doctors and nurses standing around saying “And this is why you don’t do drugs”, and laughing at the way I was convulsing and throwing myself around. I don’t know, maybe it was pretty funny.

After getting the 7,000 dollar bill I went back to the group and everyone switched up on me. No one wanted to talk to me. I felt low and my depression came in a wave like never before so I admitted myself to a mental hospital and admitted I had thoughts of killing myself. They ran some tests on me and found THC and Benzodiazepine in my system. Benzo is one of the main ingredients in Xanax. Upon telling one friend this it was related back to the whole group that I accused them of lacing the weed. They then spread a rumor my mother gave me a few pills so I wouldn’t get in trouble when the police came. Of course when confronted no one admitted to it, instead said I was lying for attention and probably faked the entire trip. Looking back now, those were the worst people I could have invested myself in. And while it was a painful experience, it ripped me away from toxic Christianity and toxic people who I’ve now learned to spot the type from a mile away

So I left that group, and the whole church. Even when they saw me in public they avoided me, and with everything that had happened in 2017 I didn’t see a purpose in staying. Florida had grown into a sore spot for me so I left and moved to Berlin, which is where I’m writing to you now.

And thus begins the story of the hottest summer in Berlin’s history, and the summer I spent working for a shitty and racist German family.

But that’s all for now as they say. Until next time, please do me this one favor today:

Love yourself.

Sincerely,
ASF

I Almost Cancelled Christmas

Maybe it was depression. Maybe its the fact that I’m halfway across the world and away from family. Maybe its that its been a tough few months in Berlin. Maybe I just wasn’t in the festive mood. Whatever it was… I almost cancelled Christmas.

My roommate and I planned to be with her family for the holidays, thats what we did for Thanksgiving even though that’s not a holiday here. But days before we were set to leave to Hannover, the idea of being surrounded by people and having to talk and keep conversation, smile and laugh exhausted the hell out of me. I just wanted to be alone. I’ve spent the last few months in fear and panic trying to secure a work visa to stay in Germany, I worked as an Au pair for a shitty family for months before I decided to leave, moved around the city more than I would have liked, watched my savings dwindle, and the impending winter has brought on long nights and shorter days with a side of perpetual cold, rain, and seasonal depression. Above all I miss home. Everyday I miss home. Or at least the comfortability of it

The answer seems as simple as go back, but I know I can’t. I know I’m going to accomplish incredible things here, I’ve already started to despite the setbacks. I know there’s nothing for me back home except every regret I’ll feel if I leave without having given it my all.

So going back is not an option and even though I have confidence in whats to come, it doesn’t mean my days are without sadness and disappointment. Days like today.

Yesterday, we should have left together for Hannover but I asked her to go without me. I was honest about why and luckily she understood. Thus began my stance to cancel Christmas and spend the holidays alone. It almost worked. I did just as I planned and sat alone with only my sadness as company. I didn’t read much, write, or even eat much although I cooked a whole chicken that currently remains nearly untouched. I cried some, thought about the past as usual, and downloaded Tinder which I’ve come to recognize I only do in deep periods of loneliness.

Crazy thing is, as rough as its been, virtually everything has worked out. I got a new job that is sponsoring my visa, I live in an amazing apartment on the beautiful side of town and I won’t have to leave for a while, every need I’ve had has been miraculously met, and even though its cold I got to see snow fall for the first time. I miss home but my family and friends randomly call when I need them most to remind me that they believe in me. So I couldn’t tell you why days like this come as I stare every blessing that has come my way square in the face. The only thing I can tell you is this:

Absolutely no one should be alone for the holidays.

It hit me as I lay with a tub of melted ice cream and German television blared in the background. The show happened to be set on Thanksgiving day but a series of unfortunate events left the group having a pretty lousy Thanksgiving dinner. But then one character noted how the usually lonely neighbor finally had a guest. I managed to translate her saying “That’s nice that he has someone”, or something to that affect.

I have someone. A few someones all the around the world, but especially a kind family waiting for me in Hannover to share this holiday with them. So I got off the couch, cleaned the house, did some reading, a bit of writing, and a packed a bag. I may be making it just in time for dinner but better late than never.

I wrote this to anyone feeling the holiday blues and to my future self who will look back and see success came with many bumps. I hope to write more and tell you my story, how I got to where I am and where I’m going.

But that’s all for now as they say. Happy holidays, and please do me this one favor today:

Love Yourself.

Signed,

ASF