So I was low.

Really, really low.

It’s not the lowest I’ve been by far but it was pretty low. Navigating German bureaucracy while broke, a bit lonely, and still figuring out how to give my artistic projects more momentum is a burdensome full time job with no pay.

But I’ve learned a few things and I want to share them with you.

The first lesson has to do with friendship. I’ll give a heads up now that this is the least light hearted lesson out of the bunch but this past week has been nothing short of a miracle and there were people that reached out and situations that seemed to find resolutions for themselves seemingly out of nowhere. With that being said, I’m not focusing on the negative but writing the lessons in the order that I learned them.

So first,

As my mom, and probably yours, has always said, ”You learn who your true friends are when you’re going through tough times.” I’ve had brushes with this lesson before in 2017 when my best friend spread a horrible rumor about me around church while I was at the same time being shamed and humiliated by the church itself. Then again in 2018 after coming down from a bad trip, the friends I had switched up to save their own faces in front of the church or maybe for themselves who knows. Either way, in the last two years of my life I’ve watched this phenomena play out but each time I’ve walked away wounded as opposed to wiser. I find myself investing too much time and energy trying to think what I could’ve done differently or the most daunting question, why is it so easy for some people to tell you they love you one day and the next treat you as if they never knew you?

But this time was different. The way the lesson played out was different and I was able to view it all from another angle. This time my tough situation wasn’t revolved around a humiliating event. It wasn’t surrounded by circumstances that would lead to people distancing themselves in dramatic or hurtful ways. This time I was just down on my luck as they say.

So I did something out of the ordinary.

At least it is for me.

I told people what I was going through. Now, my posts are generally pretty vulnerable but I talk about events that have happened already. Even the people I talk to on a regular basis only find out about my problems long after I’ve found the solution. So to write an entire post about what a funk I was in with no resolution, all despair was odd for me.

But I took it a step further. I asked for help. I made a small post on my Instagram Story stating that I was at a low point and needed some kind words and encouragement. Usually that’s my role, people call me to vent, seek advice and a joke or two to go about their day re-energized and maybe even enlightened on how to approach the problem. But that day I needed someone to fill that role for me, to help me see the bigger picture. All I needed was a conversation.

And only five people reached out. People read the blogs, saw my Story and only five people reached out.

At first I didn’t think much of it. The truth is, everyone is going through a tough time in one way or another. It can take a lot out of you to be there for someone else when you need someone to be there for you. But this is a recurring theme in my life and I could never understand it. People seem to be genuinely uncomfortable with me in my times of need.

Am I too vulnerable? Am I expressing to much emotion to the point its overwhelming? Is it something I can change? What am I doing wrong?

I still hadn’t come to understand it all until a few nights ago. It was a night where I was feeling incredibly lonely and wondering why I came to Germany. Don’t get me wrong,  I love Berlin but I haven’t quite found my group of people the way I usually can anywhere in the States. Add on the fact that it’s been a stressful time, it’s no wonder I contemplate packing my bags and going home every now and then. And then that opportunity presented itself.

That night I saw an advertisement for a Director of Student Affairs position for the foundation that provided my housing in Uni. I definitely qualify and it’s good pay for a job I would actually love to do. The more I thought about it, the more the risk I took moving here seemed pointless. Why stress when I could go back to the states where I’m not fighting for a visa and stressing over food and shelter. Maybe pursuing art and writing wasn’t meant to be, maybe I just needed a break.

I was conflicted so I wrote a friend who lives in Berlin to ask for advice. By the time they wrote back I had already decided to apply only if it was my last resort and I had to leave Berlin. But out of curiosity I asked, ”Would you miss me if I was gone?” and their reply was ”Sure.”

Now any other day I would have thought nothing of it, and what I’ve learned from this is don’t ask questions when you’re already emotional and expecting a particular answer. But I asked, and after their answer, I cried.

I actually cried myself to sleep.

They hadn’t said anything wrong. Of course they had no clue on the other end I was in a deep pit of loneliness, all I had told them was that I needed advice on applying for a job. They had no clue (and neither did I until I thought about it) that what I was really asking myself more than anything else was,  ‘Do I actually matter to anyone?’

Have I made an impact?

Because if that were true, if I mattered to people and if I had truly made an impact on them it wouldn’t be so easy for them to switch up on me from one day to the next. It wouldn’t be so easy for them to call me a friend and then so easily call me an enemy. It wouldn’t be that the one time I actually cry out for help after years of being everyone else’s shoulder to cry on, it wouldn’t be that only five people reach out, and one of those people was a complete stranger.

It can’t possibly be that way unless I truly haven’t made an impact on anyone I’ve crossed paths with.

At least that’s what I thought until I came across (well actually googled) an article about loneliness. This particular article (I’ll include the link) explains how loneliness affects each person based on their Myers Briggs personality type. I’m an ESFP and here’s what it said

ESFPs are usually outgoing, friendly, and optimistic individuals. They tend to get lonely when they have nobody to really connect with or talk to on a meaningful level. Because they are usually enthusiastic, humorous, and fun-loving, they tend to draw in a variety of friends who enjoy their charisma and charm. This can be both a blessing and a curse for the ESFP, as they simultaneously enjoy the friendships, but also feel worried that their friends are only there to be entertained and nothing more. Some people take advantage of the ESFPs good humor and jovial personality and then run away when times get hard and the ESFP needs someone to be there for them. This is when the ESFP tends to feel the loneliest. It’s important that they have some good friends who really care for them during the ups and the downs and who aren’t just there for the good times and the smiles and laughter.

Now before anyone knocks me for being one of those people that actually believes in the Myers Briggs test let me just say that everyone has their thing. Is my identity wrapped up in this test? No, but does it give me decent incite to why I feel or perceived the world around me in a certain way? Yes, and I need that clarity every now and then.

But on to the bigger point, this explains it. It’s not that people don’t care or even that I haven’t made an impact. Its that there is one role I predominantly play in people’s lives and that’s to be the fun one. In highschool almost everyone who wrote in my yearbook wrote how much they would miss my jokes and the way I light up a room. Even my teachers would tell me some days were boring until I came to class to brighten things up. People expect that from me, top that off with one of my greatest flaws is that I don’t often (almost never) express to people when I’m sad so it probably makes people uncomfortable because they haven’t seen that side of me before.

Does this excuse them?

No. People shouldn’t hang around you only when they want to have a good time. People should invest in you, support you and make time for you in the good times and the bad but the thing is,

People will be people.

As it says, this personality trait is a blessing and a curse. Not only a blessing because it draws so many people to me but because I have something that every human being seeks after in this world. Joy and Happiness. Of course it’s hard when people walk away the moment when Joy and Happiness is no longer available but that’s when I take the necessary precautions to protect my heart. I know who I can lean on and who I can’t and if I expect everyone I come in contact with to be there when I need it most then I’m setting myself up to be hurt.

So loneliness is going to happen, especially at this stage of my life I’m going to feel a lot of loneliness in Berlin. I’m going to be hurt by people who gravitate towards me for the good times I bring. I’m going to have a hard time connecting to people who don’t actually want to hear what’s on my mind but rather want me to say something to make them laugh or convince them to do something crazy and wild with their life. These are all realities I’ll continue to live until the day I walk away wiser, and I don’t walk away wounded.

But that’s all for now as they say. Do me this one favor today.

Love Yourself.

Sincerely

AFS