You know what I wish?

I wish that when the mind was left idol, it didn’t immediately wander to negative thoughts.

Or is that just me?

Today I had a mental decompression of sorts where I just recounted the memories and thought patterns that have passed through my mind in the last five days. These past five days happen to be days where I have very little to do.

And you know what I realized?

Got damn I’m negative. I mean really negative. And if I don’t have any immediate unfortuante happenings to ponder on I just conjure one up from the good ole depths of memory. It half way convinces me that I’m still harboring bitterness towards these situations even though I know I’m not. I just like to grumble and be a pain in my own not as firm and thick as it used to be ass.

My grandpa is like this. My grandpa lives with my parents, has all his financial and medical needs taken care of, he’s going blind so most physically laborious tasks are taken care of for him, his family is always around him and those that live in the area come to visit. He can still see enough to walk down the street and stand on the corner as he likes to do, and most of the neighbors know him so if he gets lost they gently walk him back to my parents house. Pops has nothing to worry about, but guess what?

Homeboy still complains. He’s a massive complainer at that.

My mom always says it’s probably because he doesn’t have much else to do. Which in its own right is a bit sad. I’m persuaded that humans were made for some form of productivity and creativity and it’s when we’re unable to do that that we lose ourselves. Or we never get the opportunity to find ourselves in the first place.

That’s probably why our 20’s is so shit cause most of us are out trying to find our purpose but in the short run of it we’re actually just trying to find something to do. Which is about where I am right now.

I worked on Fashion Week (shout out Chloe Rosolek Casting) I’ve been able to accompany Miss Jason on some of the filming nights for the upcoming Season 2 (YouTube Jason’s Closet, it’s really quite lovely) and here and there I go out to read poetry. Other than that I’m home unless I make a trip to Trafalgar to scope out museums or take a walk to Waterloo bridge. And that gets boring to be honest. Taking a walk through the park, cooking a new recipe, reading a book, painting (although that’s currently my favorite thing to do), and even, dare I say it? Writing.

It all gets boring. Honestly I just want something to do. And yes, get paid for it.

But that’s besides the point. 

My real question is why do we (or maybe just I) resort to mumbling about nonsense when our minds are idol. It literally takes more effort to think positive or neutral thoughts and I just don’t get that. I don’t get that its a reality we’re all aware of because how often, especially in bad times have you heard, ‘I know it’s hard and a bit cliche to say but look on the bright side. Or at least try to.’ We suck so hard at being positive that even our advice about being positive sucks. Honestly, I hate when people tell me that.

Mostly cause it doesn’t help. If I knew where the bright side was my pupils would be glued on it.

But you know what did help, decompressing. So without further ado here are just a few of the useless thoughts I’ve been having lately

1. 5 years ago a tow truck driver made an illegal turn and almost hit my car. I tried to move out of the way but it didn’t help. He managed to move the truck without harm but perceived my moving as trying to get him to bump my car for insurance money. Before speeding off he said ‘I know you want a new one, but you ain’t gettin one on me bitch’. Petty, but I went to dinner and had a great evening that night.

1. I paid 50 pence extra last week because I was too lazy to walk to the neighboring store that I was convinced was cheaper. They are. On everything.

1. My flatmate mixed peanut butter in my Nutella jar. The nutella has been done for weeks.

1. There was a small error with a magazine that published a poem for me and the artwork I submitted with it. They very graciously rectified it and apologized. So tell me why was I being salty all by myself? I think I was expecting them to be difficult and they weren’t so I didn’t get to sprinkle my salt anywhere. Moving on to number

1. Any issues I’ve had with people I’ve lived with in the past, definitely turned those over

1. An email I needed to send on time that never went through even though the receiver said it was fine.

1. Forgetting to turn the lights off

1. A girl I was seeing in the past who blocked me. Granted I ignored her for months because she was toxic.

None of this stuff is relevant, some of it may hold a few residual bumps I need to examine further, but only examine. Not dwell on until my neck gets stiff. In the end it’s all meaningless and has no effect on my day to day unless I allow it to, which I do for no other reason than being bored. 

If you find yourself in this space, write it down. Write these crummy little thoughts down and take a second to reflect on whether or not they’re worth your mental investment. Then write down some things you’d like to get done, maybe it is finishing a book, doing laundry or taking a walk in the park. Write those things down and check them off as you get them done, or maybe at the end week write down what you got done. And when you finish that list title it ‘Accomplishments’, because that’s what they are.

I know I said they’re boring and its valid to feel that way but in the back of my mind I know I’m intertwining my worth with my work (one of capitalism’s greatest tricks). If something I do isn’t leading to what I perceive as a big achievement than its meaningless busy work and I’m useless. I slow down on doing anything, in that way making myself bored, sit on the couch and end up entertaining myself with any minute mishap that’s ever happened to me.

It’s a cycle. One easily caught in. I’m not going to tell you to think positive or even avoid thinking negative, because like I said, there may be something that needs a closer look. All I’ll say is be conscious of where you allow your mind to roam. It’s not a thing that should be left to wander on its own. And for my babies in the 20’s with me, don’t be afraid if you’re in the stage where not much work is coming your way. This period will probably benefit you in the long run as a time of self discovery, learning new skills blah blah blah, you know what I’m going to say. Its redundant to hear but it’s true. 

I’m here with you friends. Cheers to less negative thoughts and more being proud of every accomplishment.

That’s it for now, as they say, but before I go just do me one favor,

Love Yourself,

AFS