Maybe it was depression. Maybe its the fact that I’m halfway across the world and away from family. Maybe its that its been a tough few months in Berlin. Maybe I just wasn’t in the festive mood. Whatever it was… I almost cancelled Christmas.

My roommate and I planned to be with her family for the holidays, thats what we did for Thanksgiving even though that’s not a holiday here. But days before we were set to leave to Hannover, the idea of being surrounded by people and having to talk and keep conversation, smile and laugh exhausted the hell out of me. I just wanted to be alone. I’ve spent the last few months in fear and panic trying to secure a work visa to stay in Germany, I worked as an Au pair for a shitty family for months before I decided to leave, moved around the city more than I would have liked, watched my savings dwindle, and the impending winter has brought on long nights and shorter days with a side of perpetual cold, rain, and seasonal depression. Above all I miss home. Everyday I miss home. Or at least the comfortability of it

The answer seems as simple as go back, but I know I can’t. I know I’m going to accomplish incredible things here, I’ve already started to despite the setbacks. I know there’s nothing for me back home except every regret I’ll feel if I leave without having given it my all.

So going back is not an option and even though I have confidence in whats to come, it doesn’t mean my days are without sadness and disappointment. Days like today.

Yesterday, we should have left together for Hannover but I asked her to go without me. I was honest about why and luckily she understood. Thus began my stance to cancel Christmas and spend the holidays alone. It almost worked. I did just as I planned and sat alone with only my sadness as company. I didn’t read much, write, or even eat much although I cooked a whole chicken that currently remains nearly untouched. I cried some, thought about the past as usual, and downloaded Tinder which I’ve come to recognize I only do in deep periods of loneliness.

Crazy thing is, as rough as its been, virtually everything has worked out. I got a new job that is sponsoring my visa, I live in an amazing apartment on the beautiful side of town and I won’t have to leave for a while, every need I’ve had has been miraculously met, and even though its cold I got to see snow fall for the first time. I miss home but my family and friends randomly call when I need them most to remind me that they believe in me. So I couldn’t tell you why days like this come as I stare every blessing that has come my way square in the face. The only thing I can tell you is this:

Absolutely no one should be alone for the holidays.

It hit me as I lay with a tub of melted ice cream and German television blared in the background. The show happened to be set on Thanksgiving day but a series of unfortunate events left the group having a pretty lousy Thanksgiving dinner. But then one character noted how the usually lonely neighbor finally had a guest. I managed to translate her saying “That’s nice that he has someone”, or something to that affect.

I have someone. A few someones all the around the world, but especially a kind family waiting for me in Hannover to share this holiday with them. So I got off the couch, cleaned the house, did some reading, a bit of writing, and a packed a bag. I may be making it just in time for dinner but better late than never.

I wrote this to anyone feeling the holiday blues and to my future self who will look back and see success came with many bumps. I hope to write more and tell you my story, how I got to where I am and where I’m going.

But that’s all for now as they say. Happy holidays, and please do me this one favor today:

Love Yourself.

Signed,

ASF