I’ve been struggling for a while to write a new post. I haven’t been quite sure what to write about and I feared a lack of consistency would lead to this blog being forgotten.

But I’ve never been the type to write ingeniously. Everything I write comes from my soul. Somedays I write for hours on end based off one feeling or emotion, and then some days I write nothing at all. Somedays I just don’t feel the need to unwind.

But today I feel so heavy. So low. Today I need to unwind.

I woke up this morning heavy hearted as has been the norm for the past few weeks. Living in Germany is great but in many ways it has been hard.

Acquiring a visa has been one of the most tedious battles of my life and it still continues. The good news is I was offered a job that starts in March so my visa should come through by the end of this month. What’s difficult is that this job requires that I am certified in B2 German. I’ve been learning but the process is slow and arduous. German is very tricky grammatically, and I can’t afford language classes that would probably speed the process up.

And while I believe I will be able to learn and teach myself enough to pass the test without courses, there is the ever present fear that I won’t. What if I fail? Then what?

How will I make ends meet while I’m currently struggling for money?

I came to Berlin with a good amount of money saved up, but I left the AuPair family and have since used most of my money for rent, food, or transportation. And now I’m worried, maybe even scared. Maybe I should have stayed or just switched families. Yes I would be making no money and have no time to focus on my own projects, but at least I would have food and shelter guaranteed.

I have always been a person who works, saves and plans for the future. At one point in college I had five jobs and would still walk most places even though I had a car. If I had extra money left over at the end of the month, it always went directly to savings. I planned for rainy days that never came at times but here I am. Stuck in a rainy day with no umbrella. For the first time in my life I have 200 left to my name. No savings, no extras tucked away in the mattress. 200. I don’t know where rent will come from. I don’t know if I’ll be able to pay for insurance next month or my transportation card. I have a few babysitting jobs possibly coming up but there it is again. Possibilities.

I’m more discouraged than afraid though.

Discouraged because I feel like I failed myself. I failed people around me.

This week my mom called to tell me my cousin got in trouble with the law and landed himself in jail. He’s a good kid, he really is. Just a good kid with no real support and little opportunity because of that in my opinion.

The next day I called to see if he made bail and she hit me with more bad news. My dad was in a motorcycle accident that night and shattered his leg. I’m sure he’ll recover but how will he work? How will he provide for the family. We’re not rich by any means. I worked in my families business for many years to help ends meet. My parents work to the bone to provide for themselves and the family and it’s always just enough. And now my dad can’t work. My cousins and my Aunt recently moved in with my parents and siblings because they were just granted entry into the U.S. from Haiti. While they gather themselves, find work and learn English, my parents have been helping them out. I know God always makes a way but I can’t help but feel worried for them.

Then I called to see how things were going and I was hit with one final piece of bad news. My grandma has stage 3 breast cancer. She went in for a regular check up and they found the abnormal cells in her body. My grandma has worked every day of her adult life, to this day she still works. A few years ago she started her own orphanage in Haiti and works to provide for those kids. She made the decision to come to America by boat with 8 children while still pregnant just for the chance of giving them a better life. She is one of the hardest working women I know and I question life when situations like these come to people like her. I remember when I first started traveling the world back in college, I had saved up enough money to go to London and other parts of Europe. When I told her about it she was in awe almost, she said “Wow, you’re going to big places to do big things.” It was just a trip but at that moment I realized what a big deal that is for her. She came from Haiti with nothing but her children and now her granddaughter is college educated and traveling the world. She probably never imagined things like this. Things I have taken for granted. And after all of that, all those years of work and struggle, and giving. After all of that, she now has to confront cancer head on.

Although these things are out of my control I feel that being in this situation only makes matters worse because I am no help to anyone around me. I have a job that starts in March, I was signed to a modeling/people agency last week that I’ll begin working for in late February so right now none of that helps. Those two opportunities won’t even matter if for some reason the foreign office decides not to grant my work visa. And that’s a possibility. I’m paying rent, paying for health insurance, registering myself where I’m supposed to and one person having a bad day or simply not feeling like it can deny my visa without any reason. That worries me.

I had this idea to come to Germany to establish myself, establish my projects and return back to the states once everything was sorted and able to make money on its own. Deep down I still have hope but that hope is fading if I’m being honest.

So I’m discouraged. I know Christians are quick to say you shouldn’t be because God is on our side and what not but honestly that’s a bunch of bullshit we say to make ourselves appear stronger than we are. Or just appear as good faithful Christians who know how to recite generic Joel Osteen holiday cards better than we can the actual Bible. I get sad damn it. I get hurt. I get discouraged, I feel low even when I should feel high. I may be depressed. If God didn’t know that there wouldn’t be entire books in the bible expressing sadness (the book of Lamentations), Paul wouldn’t have admitted anxieties and fears that he had while walking with Christ. Half of the Psalms David wrote would have no meaning if he never felt the things I feel. That poor pastor in California wouldn’t have committed suicide if he didn’t go through pain so here it is.

Here is the unwinding.

Here I am saying I’m lost.

Here I am saying I’m struggling.

Here I am saying I need help even though I am unwilling to ask for it.

Here I am saying I am afraid.

Here I am in tears as I write this.

Here I am.

I am Discouraged.

But that’s all for now as they say. No matter what happens in your day, please do me this one favor:

Love Yourself.

Sincerely,

ASF