Some Place Like Nowhere

I’m supposed to be moving sometime next week but I suddenly feel incredibly unsteady about the whole thing.

Like the city I meant to be heading to isn’t really where I want to be.

Ideally, I’d like someplace quiet. With a lake and trees. Some place quiet where one could be alone. Some place like Montana, or a small island out in the French Polynesia, or Mars a couple hundred million years ago. I keep imagining myself walking out to a front yard with a few houses scattered down the street. Maybe there’s a pond not too far down, fifteen minutes on a bike give or take. My neighbors busy themselves with mindless tasks common to towns of the sleepy type. There’s not much to do here and that’s the way its been. Thats the way it’s always been is what we’d say to passerbys taking the scenic route.

Wouldn’t be too far fetched to say there’s only one stop light in town. It’s one of those towns where in the time it takes to inhale and exhale you’d be in and out. Might seem small but just beyond the city lines is an expanse of land so vast it’d almost feel like the rest of the world was an acre in our backyard. We’re only small because we don’t believe in taking up too much.

I used to dream of towns like these when I was young. Its a mystery as to why that was because I’d never been to one growing up in bustling south Florida. It’s probably why The Sound of Music became my favorite movie as I got older. All those rolling hills. And it’s probably why I felt a pang of nostalgia watching What’s Eating Gilbert Grape a few days ago.

Nostalgia of all things.

What’s funny is Gilbert hated his hometown and the way he felt trapped by it. Like he had nowhere to go.

That’s how I feel, but not in relation to this town but in relation to the world as whole. Like we’ve got nowhere to go. But nowhere is exactly where I want to be. My own private slice of nowhere far from anywhere and everywhere. I think people who think this way are cast off into a group of those who are either too overwhelmed by the pressures of life or too simple to want anything more. I’m neither of those, and I don’t think its simple. Its kind of extraordinary really. To want to leave everything behind and freefall into nowhere. Takes more guts given most of life we do things out of fear. Work for fear of financial ruin, love for fear of loneliness, and live for fear of death.

I want to be nowhere and make a folktale out of things remembered but might soon be forgotten. Stories we’d pass down orally until they became tradtion etched into stones we skip down the river. Some place I’d see my refelction in snow covered hills, some place that would make even Michael start a war so that he might be cast out from Heaven to take a walk down below.

Some place.

Some place that isn’t any place.

Some place like nowhere.

The Dissociative Properties of Blackness

The Rules :

When Using Public Transportation

When sitting on the train, always remember to remove your hands from your pocket so they can see you have no strange objects or weapons and so they feel assured you won’t pickpocket them.
Pretend not to notice if they shift two seats away from you or opt to stand up when you sit down. Giving eye contact will only make them uncomfortable and put you in the position of the aggressor
Keep books, phones or small snack items in outside pockets or in hand as to avoid opening bags and arousing further suspicion of your purpose on the train that day.
If you wish to stand, stand by the back doors or near the exit doors, never stand over them even if it is crowded. And when they stand over you peering down at you the whole way, disregard it and don’t look up (See 2. For why)
If a drunk or angry commuter verbally berates you, do not fight fire with fire in these situations. Present yourself as a pacifist or otherwise let those around you come to your defense. Do not show anger.

When Walking at Night

If it is you and one other person who is not a minority walking along the street, make every effort to be the one walking in front.
If you are behind, give them space. The repeated looks over their shoulder is because they are afraid
Walk on the opposite side of the street if possible
Do not suddenly break into a run or light jog to catch your bus/train. Know when and where you need to be and be on time.
If you are waiting for the night bus sit two seats away at the stop or stand on the far end as not to arouse suspicion
Wear gloves during the winter and keep your hands from your pocket
Do not assume they feel safer in groups, the rules still apply

General Tips/Advice

Always tip at restaurants. It will save the next customer of African descent from having a rude waiter who assumed they would not tip.
For those who are of Caribbean descent, find a way to make that known in a conversation. It will remind them of the places they’ve been on holiday and they will be much kinder to the you now that they see you as exotic
Do not show that you are offended when asked what part of Africa you are from
Be ready to explain yourself and every move you make
When shopping, it is helpful if you walk in and first ask a store representative a question about a product. It lowers your chances of being followed significantly.
Save small coins to pay for bags at the grocery store or any shopping place. They do not assume you are being environmentally friendly when you bring your own bag.
Do not be the first to bring up the topic of racism, otherwise you will be seen as complaining or unable to get past it
Do not be surprised if even White Liberals write off your experiences as just ‘Berlin Life'(or wherever you live). Only they define your experiences. Only they define racism
Smile often
Speak formally even in casual conversations
Above all, always be aware of how your actions, words and overall appearance makes those around you feel. Be aware of your surrounding. Do everything in your power to present a subtle, more refined version of yourself as to make them more comfortable in your presence.
You may remove your mask when you are home or privately amongst your own.

These are the rules. Well actually, these are just some of the rules to abide by as a black individual living in predominantly white spaces. They apply almost anywhere. You are constantly aware of them even if you choose not to follow them. You are constantly aware of new ways to improve your circumstance that require you to become a lesser version of who you are. And you are constantly aware that this is what enables you to survive.

But at times, even the fight to survive becomes a quiet surrender. A dying of self.

I’ve found myself in this position lately. Surrendering myself so much so that I begin to lose myself. And it isn’t until lately that I have become aware of the dissociative properties of blackness. I have been aware and followed some of the rules of being black in white surroundings all my life, but I have always had a community to go home to where I can safely remove my mask and disregard the rules.

Berlin is different.

The community of those like me is much smaller and more divided. I have one close black female friend as opposed to eight. There are few places that cater to my physical and mental needs. To my surprise, the Afro German community is harder to fit into. It’s not necessarily that there is a lack of solidarity, it’s just that language, culture and the black experience of being Afro German versus African/Caribbean American separates us. What I’m realizing is that I have never had to experience what it is like when you can’t remove the mask. What it’s like when the comforts of home are scarce.

I have never dissociated until now.

The best way I can describe it is feeling you’re in a bubble watching life happen around you. When I’m in that space, my voice becomes unrecognizable. The words I speak sound foreign. My body moves not as I will it to but as the surroundings demand. And when I get home the mask becomes less of a mask but more like skin grafts disfiguring who I am. Distorting the image I see when I look in the mirror. Days and weeks go by and I’m unaware of it. I lose motivation to write, to read, to create. I feel as though I’m performing an act at all times but the curtains never close. I feel as though I am reciting words from a novel that was written for me and not by me. I feel…but I don’t feel. Anything.

It is a strange and very real phenomena that happens slowly over time.

In becoming aware of it I have gained, but also in that I have lost.

Today I left an interracial relationship because of this but let me make it clear that my partner was not toxic and I am not against interracial marriage, dating, and procreating (I don’t care to debate how this makes me less woke, in touch with my ancestors, or not truly black). In any relationship you have two people coming from various backgrounds and upbringings and you find a way to exist in each others spaces. In my previous interracial relationships we were able to find this common ground, but in this one we were just too different. And the differences became more apparent the more I became aware of my dissociation and the more I came out of it. It was no longer enough to have a few things in common. It was no longer enough that I was able to cross the bridge over into their world because of how often I had to do it in my daily life. They attempted to do the same but it is a hard process if you’ve never been put in that position before. On top of that there were major cultural and personality differences that separated us outside of race. In the end, it was the end. And that wasn’t an easy decision to make. It isn’t easy leaving a person when you become accustomed to the routine of each other. But they understood and respected my needs. As much as it hurt (and still hurts like hell), I knew in time I would only dissociate from them further and further until the relationship had soured and I grew bitterness towards them for things they couldn’t control. I left while there was still love to be had and memories to be cherished.

And I’m proud of that decision.

I’m proud of myself as I come into my own in an unfamiliar surrounding. As I no longer sacrifice myself for the comfort of others. As I create space to exist here, and welcome others to join me. I rise and inhale my blackness like black coffee grounds brewed in the morning. Slowly my voice returns to me and I recognize the words I hear when I speak. Slowly I am becoming myself again.

I want it to be known that in no way am I shaming Berlin neither do I regret my decision to move here. In many ways Berlin and its people have awoken me from a slumber I fell into years ago and have helped me unravel the many facets of who I am. But these experiences are real and persist just about everywhere in the world, and I want to shed light on it.

I hope these words enlighten those who want to understand and comfort those who understand all too well.

Most of all I hope today you can do me this one favor,

Love Yourself,

AFS

P.S.

To You,

To the one who loves strawberry ice cream on hot summer days.

Thank you.

For hearing me. For listening to my voice. For validating my feelings, emotions, and experiences. For attempting to find solutions and outlets for me so that we could mend the relationship. And for accepting that the only solution was that we go our separate ways.

If life is ever so kind as to allow our paths to meet again, whether it be in friendship or love

I’ll be standing at the crossroad with a bouquet of tulips in my hand

Waiting for you

The Things We Learn: Wounded

So I was low.

Really, really low.

It’s not the lowest I’ve been by far but it was pretty low. Navigating German bureaucracy while broke, a bit lonely, and still figuring out how to give my artistic projects more momentum is a burdensome full time job with no pay.

But I’ve learned a few things and I want to share them with you.

The first lesson has to do with friendship. I’ll give a heads up now that this is the least light hearted lesson out of the bunch but this past week has been nothing short of a miracle and there were people that reached out and situations that seemed to find resolutions for themselves seemingly out of nowhere. With that being said, I’m not focusing on the negative but writing the lessons in the order that I learned them.

So first,

As my mom, and probably yours, has always said, ”You learn who your true friends are when you’re going through tough times.” I’ve had brushes with this lesson before in 2017 when my best friend spread a horrible rumor about me around church while I was at the same time being shamed and humiliated by the church itself. Then again in 2018 after coming down from a bad trip, the friends I had switched up to save their own faces in front of the church or maybe for themselves who knows. Either way, in the last two years of my life I’ve watched this phenomena play out but each time I’ve walked away wounded as opposed to wiser. I find myself investing too much time and energy trying to think what I could’ve done differently or the most daunting question, why is it so easy for some people to tell you they love you one day and the next treat you as if they never knew you?

But this time was different. The way the lesson played out was different and I was able to view it all from another angle. This time my tough situation wasn’t revolved around a humiliating event. It wasn’t surrounded by circumstances that would lead to people distancing themselves in dramatic or hurtful ways. This time I was just down on my luck as they say.

So I did something out of the ordinary.

At least it is for me.

I told people what I was going through. Now, my posts are generally pretty vulnerable but I talk about events that have happened already. Even the people I talk to on a regular basis only find out about my problems long after I’ve found the solution. So to write an entire post about what a funk I was in with no resolution, all despair was odd for me.

But I took it a step further. I asked for help. I made a small post on my Instagram Story stating that I was at a low point and needed some kind words and encouragement. Usually that’s my role, people call me to vent, seek advice and a joke or two to go about their day re-energized and maybe even enlightened on how to approach the problem. But that day I needed someone to fill that role for me, to help me see the bigger picture. All I needed was a conversation.

And only five people reached out. People read the blogs, saw my Story and only five people reached out.

At first I didn’t think much of it. The truth is, everyone is going through a tough time in one way or another. It can take a lot out of you to be there for someone else when you need someone to be there for you. But this is a recurring theme in my life and I could never understand it. People seem to be genuinely uncomfortable with me in my times of need.

Am I too vulnerable? Am I expressing to much emotion to the point its overwhelming? Is it something I can change? What am I doing wrong?

I still hadn’t come to understand it all until a few nights ago. It was a night where I was feeling incredibly lonely and wondering why I came to Germany. Don’t get me wrong, I love Berlin but I haven’t quite found my group of people the way I usually can anywhere in the States. Add on the fact that it’s been a stressful time, it’s no wonder I contemplate packing my bags and going home every now and then. And then that opportunity presented itself.

That night I saw an advertisement for a Director of Student Affairs position for the foundation that provided my housing in Uni. I definitely qualify and it’s good pay for a job I would actually love to do. The more I thought about it, the more the risk I took moving here seemed pointless. Why stress when I could go back to the states where I’m not fighting for a visa and stressing over food and shelter. Maybe pursuing art and writing wasn’t meant to be, maybe I just needed a break.

I was conflicted so I wrote a friend who lives in Berlin to ask for advice. By the time they wrote back I had already decided to apply only if it was my last resort and I had to leave Berlin. But out of curiosity I asked, ”Would you miss me if I was gone?” and their reply was ”Sure.”

Now any other day I would have thought nothing of it, and what I’ve learned from this is don’t ask questions when you’re already emotional and expecting a particular answer. But I asked, and after their answer, I cried.

I actually cried myself to sleep.

They hadn’t said anything wrong. Of course they had no clue on the other end I was in a deep pit of loneliness, all I had told them was that I needed advice on applying for a job. They had no clue (and neither did I until I thought about it) that what I was really asking myself more than anything else was, ‘Do I actually matter to anyone?’

Have I made an impact?

Because if that were true, if I mattered to people and if I had truly made an impact on them it wouldn’t be so easy for them to switch up on me from one day to the next. It wouldn’t be so easy for them to call me a friend and then so easily call me an enemy. It wouldn’t be that the one time I actually cry out for help after years of being everyone else’s shoulder to cry on, it wouldn’t be that only five people reach out, and one of those people was a complete stranger.

It can’t possibly be that way unless I truly haven’t made an impact on anyone I’ve crossed paths with.

At least that’s what I thought until I came across (well actually googled) an article about loneliness. This particular article (I’ll include the link) explains how loneliness affects each person based on their Myers Briggs personality type. I’m an ESFP and here’s what it said

ESFPs are usually outgoing, friendly, and optimistic individuals. They tend to get lonely when they have nobody to really connect with or talk to on a meaningful level. Because they are usually enthusiastic, humorous, and fun-loving, they tend to draw in a variety of friends who enjoy their charisma and charm. This can be both a blessing and a curse for the ESFP, as they simultaneously enjoy the friendships, but also feel worried that their friends are only there to be entertained and nothing more. Some people take advantage of the ESFPs good humor and jovial personality and then run away when times get hard and the ESFP needs someone to be there for them. This is when the ESFP tends to feel the loneliest. It’s important that they have some good friends who really care for them during the ups and the downs and who aren’t just there for the good times and the smiles and laughter.

Now before anyone knocks me for being one of those people that actually believes in the Myers Briggs test let me just say that everyone has their thing. Is my identity wrapped up in this test? No, but does it give me decent incite to why I feel or perceived the world around me in a certain way? Yes, and I need that clarity every now and then.

But on to the bigger point, this explains it. It’s not that people don’t care or even that I haven’t made an impact. Its that there is one role I predominantly play in people’s lives and that’s to be the fun one. In highschool almost everyone who wrote in my yearbook wrote how much they would miss my jokes and the way I light up a room. Even my teachers would tell me some days were boring until I came to class to brighten things up. People expect that from me, top that off with one of my greatest flaws is that I don’t often (almost never) express to people when I’m sad so it probably makes people uncomfortable because they haven’t seen that side of me before.

Does this excuse them?

No. People shouldn’t hang around you only when they want to have a good time. People should invest in you, support you and make time for you in the good times and the bad but the thing is,

People will be people.

As it says, this personality trait is a blessing and a curse. Not only a blessing because it draws so many people to me but because I have something that every human being seeks after in this world. Joy and Happiness. Of course it’s hard when people walk away the moment when Joy and Happiness is no longer available but that’s when I take the necessary precautions to protect my heart. I know who I can lean on and who I can’t and if I expect everyone I come in contact with to be there when I need it most then I’m setting myself up to be hurt.

So loneliness is going to happen, especially at this stage of my life I’m going to feel a lot of loneliness in Berlin. I’m going to be hurt by people who gravitate towards me for the good times I bring. I’m going to have a hard time connecting to people who don’t actually want to hear what’s on my mind but rather want me to say something to make them laugh or convince them to do something crazy and wild with their life. These are all realities I’ll continue to live until the day I walk away wiser, and I don’t walk away wounded.

But that’s all for now as they say. Do me this one favor today.

Love Yourself.

Sincerely

AFS

Discouraged

I’ve been struggling for a while to write a new post. I haven’t been quite sure what to write about and I feared a lack of consistency would lead to this blog being forgotten.

But I’ve never been the type to write ingeniously. Everything I write comes from my soul. Somedays I write for hours on end based off one feeling or emotion, and then some days I write nothing at all. Somedays I just don’t feel the need to unwind.

But today I feel so heavy. So low. Today I need to unwind.

I woke up this morning heavy hearted as has been the norm for the past few weeks. Living in Germany is great but in many ways it has been hard.

Acquiring a visa has been one of the most tedious battles of my life and it still continues. The good news is I was offered a job that starts in March so my visa should come through by the end of this month. What’s difficult is that this job requires that I am certified in B2 German. I’ve been learning but the process is slow and arduous. German is very tricky grammatically, and I can’t afford language classes that would probably speed the process up.

And while I believe I will be able to learn and teach myself enough to pass the test without courses, there is the ever present fear that I won’t. What if I fail? Then what?

How will I make ends meet while I’m currently struggling for money?

I came to Berlin with a good amount of money saved up, but I left the AuPair family and have since used most of my money for rent, food, or transportation. And now I’m worried, maybe even scared. Maybe I should have stayed or just switched families. Yes I would be making no money and have no time to focus on my own projects, but at least I would have food and shelter guaranteed.

I have always been a person who works, saves and plans for the future. At one point in college I had five jobs and would still walk most places even though I had a car. If I had extra money left over at the end of the month, it always went directly to savings. I planned for rainy days that never came at times but here I am. Stuck in a rainy day with no umbrella. For the first time in my life I have 200 left to my name. No savings, no extras tucked away in the mattress. 200. I don’t know where rent will come from. I don’t know if I’ll be able to pay for insurance next month or my transportation card. I have a few babysitting jobs possibly coming up but there it is again. Possibilities.

I’m more discouraged than afraid though.

Discouraged because I feel like I failed myself. I failed people around me.

This week my mom called to tell me my cousin got in trouble with the law and landed himself in jail. He’s a good kid, he really is. Just a good kid with no real support and little opportunity because of that in my opinion.

The next day I called to see if he made bail and she hit me with more bad news. My dad was in a motorcycle accident that night and shattered his leg. I’m sure he’ll recover but how will he work? How will he provide for the family. We’re not rich by any means. I worked in my families business for many years to help ends meet. My parents work to the bone to provide for themselves and the family and it’s always just enough. And now my dad can’t work. My cousins and my Aunt recently moved in with my parents and siblings because they were just granted entry into the U.S. from Haiti. While they gather themselves, find work and learn English, my parents have been helping them out. I know God always makes a way but I can’t help but feel worried for them.

Then I called to see how things were going and I was hit with one final piece of bad news. My grandma has stage 3 breast cancer. She went in for a regular check up and they found the abnormal cells in her body. My grandma has worked every day of her adult life, to this day she still works. A few years ago she started her own orphanage in Haiti and works to provide for those kids. She made the decision to come to America by boat with 8 children while still pregnant just for the chance of giving them a better life. She is one of the hardest working women I know and I question life when situations like these come to people like her. I remember when I first started traveling the world back in college, I had saved up enough money to go to London and other parts of Europe. When I told her about it she was in awe almost, she said “Wow, you’re going to big places to do big things.” It was just a trip but at that moment I realized what a big deal that is for her. She came from Haiti with nothing but her children and now her granddaughter is college educated and traveling the world. She probably never imagined things like this. Things I have taken for granted. And after all of that, all those years of work and struggle, and giving. After all of that, she now has to confront cancer head on.

Although these things are out of my control I feel that being in this situation only makes matters worse because I am no help to anyone around me. I have a job that starts in March, I was signed to a modeling/people agency last week that I’ll begin working for in late February so right now none of that helps. Those two opportunities won’t even matter if for some reason the foreign office decides not to grant my work visa. And that’s a possibility. I’m paying rent, paying for health insurance, registering myself where I’m supposed to and one person having a bad day or simply not feeling like it can deny my visa without any reason. That worries me.

I had this idea to come to Germany to establish myself, establish my projects and return back to the states once everything was sorted and able to make money on its own. Deep down I still have hope but that hope is fading if I’m being honest.

So I’m discouraged. I know Christians are quick to say you shouldn’t be because God is on our side and what not but honestly that’s a bunch of bullshit we say to make ourselves appear stronger than we are. Or just appear as good faithful Christians who know how to recite generic Joel Osteen holiday cards better than we can the actual Bible. I get sad damn it. I get hurt. I get discouraged, I feel low even when I should feel high. I may be depressed. If God didn’t know that there wouldn’t be entire books in the bible expressing sadness (the book of Lamentations), Paul wouldn’t have admitted anxieties and fears that he had while walking with Christ. Half of the Psalms David wrote would have no meaning if he never felt the things I feel. That poor pastor in California wouldn’t have committed suicide if he didn’t go through pain so here it is.

Here is the unwinding.

Here I am saying I’m lost.

Here I am saying I’m struggling.

Here I am saying I need help even though I am unwilling to ask for it.

Here I am saying I am afraid.

Here I am in tears as I write this.

Here I am.

I am Discouraged.

But that’s all for now as they say. No matter what happens in your day, please do me this one favor:

Love Yourself.

Sincerely,

ASF

Happy New Year

I’ve run out of time to finish telling you about 2018.

I was writing part three last night but ended up having a small pre New Years party with some friends. Three Hennessey and Cokes later it remains unfinished in my Google Docs while I lay in bed nauseous making a mental note to myself that there’s a reason I stick to beer and wine.

It was a disappointing feeling at first, leaving it unfinished. I’m a person who starts a billion projects and many I haven’t seen through to the end. I don’t always finish what I start and I hate that about myself.

But that’s the thing. It is finished. After tonight there will never be another 2018. Everyday that has passed I will never see again. I could scramble to give you a recap of year 2018 so you’re not left with a cliffhanger but unfortunately you will have to hang in there for a while. In general you know it was a rough year, but if God spares me this last day I’ll get to see the start of a New Year.

Think about that. Really think about that. A new set of 365 days. Do you know just how much your life can change in a year? For a second let’s reconsider year 2017 (go to previous posts if you haven’t read it yet) my entire life changed physically and mentally. Yes it was terrible but think about that, my life changed in 365 days. Actually it was one day that changed it all. And from that one day an entire year was affected. It’s more amazing than tragic when I consider that the reverse is possible. With the knowledge I now I have, the power I’ve found within myself and confidence I refuse to smother, I can change the 365 days ahead of me and every single day is a 24 hour chance to do just that.

Studies say it takes about 21 days to create a habit and about 90 to form a lifestyle. In that short amount of time you could make a significant impact on your life. In 365 days you can develop about 17 different habits and 4 different lifestyles, really for a second think about that. The opportunities aren’t necessarily endless but they are available. They are possible.

So if you’re the type to make New Year’s resolutions, make them. Expect to fail at them, but try again. Or don’t, maybe try something new. Or make new resolutions in March just because. Try the new gym down the street. Cry when you’re sad, laugh when you’re happy. Watch a movie when you feel lazy and don’t beat yourself about it. Have a productive day. Quit the job you hate, I promise you there is another one waiting even if it’s below your pay grade, sometimes you just need to start fresh. Buy nice things and live in the present. Save money and plan for the future. Shave your head and grow your beard. Take a selfie. Disconnect from social media. Start a Youtube channel. Try religion, or try to understand why you walked away from it or never believed. Be afraid. Conquer your fear. Find yourself. Then lose yourself. What I’m getting at is take advantage of the opportunities that will come your way. Even go as far as creating those opportunities for yourself.

Yes, the unforeseen can and will happen. I am certain you and I will face trials, tragedy and the likes this year but that’s life, pain is inevitable. Honestly, pain at times is a pleasant reminder that we are still alive, sensing, breathing, and feeling the world around us. As I like to say, how would we know what love is if we never experience hate? Pleasure if we never feel pain? So yes, pain will come and with it will come empathy for others who have suffered like you. And before long I promise you so will healing.

In knowing there will be joy or pain, success or failure in whatever you do, there is nothing left to do but the thing itself. I thought my message for new years would be more specific, maybe about forgiveness or persevering through troubling times but the greatest lesson I’ve learned through it all is to live through it all. There is nothing better and nothing more that people can do other than just live and do good while they live. Find satisfaction in whatever you do and accept each day, good or bad. Life will teach you the lessons you need to learn along the way, you just need to be present when the lecture begins.

So live. That is my New Year’s resolution for you. That you live and live abundantly.

It’s raining fireworks here in Berlin. I must be getting old because I find it to be a nuisance now, but I do need to go out and enjoy these final two hours of 2018. Hopefully we meet again next year.

That’s all for now as they say. Until next time please do me this one favor today, and everyday in this new year:

Love Yourself.

Sincerely,

ASF